FET update, now regret-free

For those of you keeping track, I had originally planned on undergoing an embryo transfer right about now. And then, just days before I was supposed to start taking my Progynova, I changed my mind. It suddenly occured to me that in four weeks I would be pregnant, and my first reaction to that thought was mild panic and the realization that I'll be exhausted forever. And I realized I wasn't ready to do it. Not just yet.

And did I just say confidently "I would be pregnant?" How odd. You see, in matters reproductive I generally downplay the optimism and throw in a dash of doomsday in an attempt to throw the universe off my trail. I can't help but think that it does not do to be filled with hubris in matters reproductive. We all know what happens to people with a good case of hubris, right? But I'll be honest just this once. Because of my alarmingly lucky IVF track record - we're batting 1.000, after all - I can't help but think in my secret heart that in spite of success rates hovering around 20% (ever notice how they put the FET success rates, which are not exactly encouraging, way down the page?) our single embryo FET will, of course, be successful.

That would be hubris. Which I try to avoid. At least in public. But there it is. What I secretly really think. Keep on moving, universe, nothing to see here. Keep moving.

Sunday I hosted a baby shower for a friend. A baby shower attended by the baby, by the way, who decided last week to make an early and unexpected - and healthy - arrival. And I expected to have some sort of infant envy, especially since there was tiny baby N in my house just a day before I should have been transfering an embryo which we had suddenly decided to keep on ice. And I didn't. I didn't have infant envy, I didn't think "I want one of those," and I didn't even once think "maybe I'll never have one of those again." And maybe I'll never have one of those again, though - look away, universe! - honestly I think when we choose to go forward with an FET we'll be lucky. Why I think that I have no idea, and it's just a giant invitation to be put in my place, isn't it, saying something like that? But baby N spent hours in my house, mostly asleep, and I didn't feel any of those doubtful second-thoughty things I thought maybe I would feel. I take these as signs that I made the right choice, or at least not the wrong one.

And knowing that feels really good.