FET update - no numbers, lots of emotion

There's nothing particular to report; I've got an ultrasound to measure my lining scheduled for Nov 9th and until then I just roll merrily along taking my 2mg of Progynova. Saturday I'll bump up to 4 mg and stick at that for the rest of the week and then bump up to 6mg.

I'm much more low-key about this FET than the original IVF; something about not having to jab a needle in my thigh every night makes this a much less stressful process. (Progynova is an oral estrogine supplement.) That and the presence of Small Boy. I'm very conscious of the fact that if this fails, then the worst that happens is Small Boy is our only child whereas the ramifactions of failure prior to Small Boy were enormous, too enormous for me to contemplate. I can grasp having a single child; I know what that looks like and feels like and I know how to do it. I know everything that's been great about it; it's easy for me to see the genuine positive in it. It takes a tremendous burden off this FET; failure will not feel like the end of the world.

A small part of me wonders if that's unfair. Going into the IVF I was so greedy for Small Boy and to contemplate his eternal absence was heart-rending. To contemplate the eternal absence of Player to be Named Later* is sad; it is not heart-rending. That feels disloyal, as though I committed more to Small Boy, gave more, when he was but a Blob than I am committing, giving, to PtbNL.

I am going into this knowing that succeed or fail, on the far side there is certain happiness. I feel guilty saying that, that if PtbNLnever makes it past 4 cells I'll still be happy. It's the truth, but it feels wrong - it feels disloyal - to think it, much less say it. I'm not saying that it wouldn't matter, that the scales are equal and it's all the same to me if it works out. No. I'm not saying that. But it is true that I'm not as desperate for this to work as I was the first time around. I'm hoping; prior to Small Boy I was wildly longing.

I don't know what to do with this knowledge. It troubles me. It comforts me, because I'm on a much more even keel than I was then, but it troubles me. Am I playing favorites already?

I am troubled.

* R and I call our frozen embryos The Hockey Team, so our still frozen embryo that will be transfered in a few weeks is the Player to be Named Later. You know, as is So-and-So was traded for the number 1 draft pick and a player to be named later. Okay, it's cheesy but once I went with The Hockey Team I got stuck in this sports metaphore, didn't I?