Tea and sympathy
I'm all sharp edges, the broken glass of sleep deprivation and the shards of a crying baby. I can't even begin to fit the pieces back together; I try instead to at least smooth off all the dangerous cutting points, hoping to make sea-glass out of this broken bottle.
I'm a loner by nature, more mama bear alone with her cubs than she-wolf raising them in a pack. It worked well enough - it worked wonderfully - when I was single, when I was childless - I loved being a loner and filling the four walls of my own apartment with imaginary worlds. It worked okay when it was just Small Boy and me, but I'm finding that being a loner with two kids yields none of the advantages of being a loner and all of the downside. I'm starting to feel like a bear at the zoo, pacing back and forth, back and forth, rather than a bear in Yellowstone with my 400 square-mile prowling grounds.
The sleep deprivation doesn't help. I'm drowning in long days and short nights. I'm losing all perspective and any patience I might have had. It's such a jumbled mess of tangled yarn. It wasn't supposed to be like this. So today I do something completely out of character: I call a friend and throw myself on her mercy, inviting myself and my two boys over to play with her two girls. Fortunately they're at home, fortunately they have no plans, fortunately she's been there and says "C'mon over!"
Her 4-year old daughter distracts my 3-year old Small Boy. Her 1-year old is a delight. Boychen is less cranky than ususal, sleeps in the BabyBjorn, seems distracted by the chaos around him, and Australian Friend serves me tea and soup and good fresh bread for lunch. I complain, and she sympathizes, and states the obvious: "It's hard!" Yes, thank you, it is. The sympathy is good and hearty, like the bread, and more nourishing.
I leave feeling sane, for today at least, and drive the long way home when I see that my sons have fallen asleep in the back seat.
Labels: my two sons, post partum depression
10 Comments:
Oh, I'm so glad you found the time for a little tea and sympathy.
well i ve a 3 yr old AND a 3 weeks old.but my solution is that my older one goes to KG.it helps alot.hes away from 9 to 3 and its the time when i relax.have you ever thought of sending ur older one to KG.
My girlfriends, met through New Parent Classes, were my saviour during those times. We had a deal with one another that we could call anytime of the day or night to vent our frustrations or to beg for someone else to hold the baby or make a cup of tea, and we would provide that support without judgment. Cultivate those relationships, they're so important to mama bears who find themselves at home with the pack.
Soon it will be YOU with a 4 year-old and a delightful 1 year-old. Soon, I promise, soon. And it has to get easier, right? There wouldn't be any third siblings otherwise...Hugs. Wish I was a close as a train ride from Vevey to have a Nespresso with you...(sorry, it's the one vice I brought back from CH)
I'm with you all the way. At the moment, it's just A and me during the day and I've avoided all New Mum Groups like fire. But, with A becoming more aware of the world, I think I'll have to bite the bullet. Mainly for his social skills. But I dread it, I really do. I am happy with just the two of us, in these four walls, with our little games.
Glad you got a little reprieve today!
When does small boy start school?
It gets sooooo much easier when the older one goes to school. He is suddenly occupied with friends and school games and when he comes home he´s EXHAUSTED and just wants a snack and a cuddle which is perfect!
Umarah and misschrisc - Small Boy isn't eligible for public kindergarten until the summer of 09 and we can't really afford the private. And, personally, I'm not sure emotionally it's right for us yet anyway. Thought I simultaneously am jealous of you both. But I've got the two days of day care, we'll work with that for now.
Kinuk - yeah, I started taking Small Boy to play group when he was about 8 months old maybe. More for him than for me.
Trish - I do have a group we get together but usually it's more organized in advance - the calling up at 9:30 and basically inviting myself over to her house RIGHT NOW was what was so out of character.
Hang in there!
Beautifully written post though.
I should clarify - I met about twenty mothers through the New Parent classes but only three or four of them became good friends, and we met outside the regular classes, and continue to meet. The other 16 or so mothers were, let's say, on a completely different page than I was on. So my advice really was to find some friends who you can relate to and who you can call at 9.30am or 9.30pm... whether you meet them at new parent classes or not is irrelevant. I'm glad you have at least one friend like that :-)
I don't have kids, but can totally relate to the world closing in on you and needing an escape. Luckily, you have a friend like that. I don't.
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